Single Questions - 29 Years Later

During my 20's, I believed by thirty I would be married with four children.  Thus, I did everything I could to better myself as a person.  I wanted to be a good wife and mother, so during my 20's, I spent a lot of time delving into what made a good wife and mother.  I read books about it, went to seminars to learn about it, listened to my married friends, etc.  I wanted to be prepared when I say "I do"

I am an analytical person by nature and I like to ponder things out.  In my early 20's I used to ponder 'what does it mean when I say I do'.  I realized it meant a lot.  Such as, 'I do' to dishes, laundry, caring about you, allowing you to care about me, having babies, raising children, etc.  Marriage was not a ferry-tale, thus I wanted to be prepared when the right man came along.

One thing about life, it seems to go a lot faster after you hit the age of twenty.  Once you are twenty, thirty is right around the corner.  When I turned thirty, I sat myself down and faced some hard questions, because I was still single.  Wow, twenty to thirty was a blink, so what will thirty to forty be?  That was my question.  And it was an important question to me, because never did I take the time to ponder how to be single.  So at thirty, I changed my gears of thought and started to ask the hard questions about being single.  I had thirteen questions in all.  

I am now 59, and yes, I am still single.  As I read the thirteen questions, I realize back then I made changes in my life to accept singleness, as well as, marriage if that was to be.  Some questions were fears, some were ponders and some never got answered.  I would like to answer those questions now - 29 years later.

Question One:  "What happens if I never marry?"

You can still enjoy life!  If most single people looking for marriage were honest, they would agree they believed marriage would solve their problems, give them fulfillment and meet all their needs.  Marriage does for sure meet the physical demand for those who believe sex is for marriage, but marriage may not meet all your needs, which I will look at in another question of mine.

In asking the hard questions about singleness, I came across a tape about fulfillment.  I forget the author's name and the name of the tape.  However, what I do remember is a married woman talking about how marriage cannot meet a wife's needs completely.  In fact, she talked about how a wife can put a strain on her partner if she only looks to him to make her feel significant.  He cannot, as he is just as human as she is.   So what was her answer to women?  You are responsible for your own happiness.  

What does all this mean, Singles can enjoy life too!  After listening to this tape I chose to not feel sorry for myself for being single.  I chose not to put myself on hold until I got married.  No way!  I was going to enjoy life.  So if there was not one to go golfing with, I went.  If there was no one to go to the movies with, I went.  If there was no one to go for supper with, I went.  I am thankful for all my friends, men and women; I have had the privilege to go golfing, supper and the movies with.   But I also enjoyed the times I went alone.

Most important, I have a God who sustains me and fulfills me as well.  My faith in God has allowed me to enjoy being single.  Did not and does not mean I never wish I was married.  I'd love to have a partner to go golfing with or out for supper.  I'd love to have someone to sit with in the church every Sunday.  And if the chance still comes to be married - I will say I do.  But you can still enjoy life even when you are single. 

Next blog will deal with Question Two: How do I handle being Single?

Till next time, Penny

Mercy - (mƏrsē)

The dictionary definition for 'Mercy' is:  "Compassion or Forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm"

Nehemiah 9:31 states:  "But in your great mercy you did not put an end to them or abandon them, for you are a gracious and merciful God." (NIV)

I have experienced 'mercy' many times in my life, but there are three that standout the most.  First, at age 19, I enrolled at Northwest Bible College as a mature student.  I did not finish my high school, but since I was 19, I was considered a mature student, so I was accepted.  Since it was a bible college that I was attending, I had to follow the rules about abstaining from anything that would be considered questionable, at and outside of school.  For example, going to a bar, living with the opposite sex, etc.  Since I did not have rich parents, I had to work my way through college.  It was hard finding a job, especially since I did not finish high school.  However, I got a job in a cafeteria-style restaurant where I was a dish girl.  I would clean the tables and take the dishes to the back to wash.   What could be wrong with being a dishwasher?  It was easy, hard, but easy.  I cleaned the miss up under the tables and on top of the tables.  I loaded the dirty dishes into the bin on my cart and took them to the back to be washed.  Oh yes, I also picked up empty and not so empty beer bottles.  This bothered me.  Why?  Well I was a new Christian and going to Bible college and did not want anything to tarnish my character.  Hey, I was a baby Christian.

Well you guessed it; I quit my job because of those dirty beer bottles.   But I needed the job.  So Monday morning I went and spoke with Mrs. Francis the Ethics teacher.  Yes, I studied ethics.  I explained to her my dilemma.  I thought for sure she would profoundly state that I should not work in that job.  But she did not!  She said something to me that has always been an example to me in how I treat others.  "Penny, I myself would not work in that kind of job, but you need work for school.  Penny, it's not my place to judge you or tell you not to work there."   After school, I called up my manager and explained why I quit and I was wrong to.  She took me back and gave me a second chance - What mercy from two wonderful people.

Second, I hate tests or exams, because my mind always goes blank during the exam.  In the same named college, my second year course topic was Christology; I failed the final exam and course.  When I went to the last day of class, I felt bad.  I could not believe I failed, but hey, the exam carried the weight of the mark.  My professor walks into the classroom and everyone stops talking.  He puts the exams on his desk and looks up at us and states: "Most everyone in this class failed the exam and it was my fault."  I could not believe what I was hearing.  "I must have taught over your heads" he continues, "I am going to give you the same test again and a day to study for it."   He did not have to do that.  Some passed the exam, but not many.  But that is not his fault.  I could not believe he decided to give us a second chance.  I studied and the rest of the class and everyone passed the course.  We all got a C-, but that is better than a fail.  Mercy in skin!  By the way, third year I had this professor again and I got and 'A’ in his class and without taking the exam over.

Finally, I was finishing my high school in a Vocational school and I had a math test.  Nice thing about a vocational school, you are treated like adults.  So this particular morning of the exam, I bring a coffee into the classroom.  As I went to put it on my desk, you guessed it; the cup fell to the floor.  I dashed out of the classroom to the washroom and brought a ton of paper towels with me to wipe up the coffee.  By the way, did I say I was two minutes late into the exam?  The teacher took the paper towels from me and told me to sit and do the test and she will clean my miss up.  She informed me she wanted me to have the same time as the class to finish my test.  She did not have to do that; it was my fault in being late and dropping a coffee.  Again, Mercy in skin!

When we see mercy in action, we should not tuck it away and forget it.  We should remember it.  Take time to count our blessings (Mercies), so that we can give mercy when it is needed.  A great story explains this in the Bible, Matthew 18:21-35 - The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant.  I will let you read this story.  Let's remember to show mercy when it is in our power to do so.  You never know, you may need it again.

COURTESY - BEST POLICY!

I was riding the Transit today to meet a friend for lunch.  I boarded the bus and sat at the front it.  A few stops into the drive, a man came unto the bus with a child in a stroller.  He put up the seats in front of me to have the stroller out of the way, but there was no where for him to set.  I guess he could have stood, since he was a man - hmmm.  Since I was right behind the stroller, I gave up my seat for the man.  He thanked me.
 
While the bus continued it's route, I started to think how some people may think that I am a women's libber, because I gave my seat to a man.  I chuckled!  I gave it up for courtesy only!   I think today's generation would not, but in my days they would.

I admit that over the ages, women's lib has done a lot of positive things for women.  However, there are some topics that I disagree with, so I do not consider myself a women's libber.  But this blog is not about women's lib's topics, per say, but I gave my seat to a man because it was the right thing to do.  He needed to set close to the child in the stroller - thus courtesy is always the best policy - whether you are a women's libber or not.

;-)

Do you want to get well?

(This blog is mainly dealing with walls we have put around us to protect ourselves so we do not get hurt again.)

John 5:1-10 tells us that Jesus went up to Jerusalem for one of the festivals.  Jesus had to pass a sheep gate where a pool was.  A lot of disabled people sat there and when the pool stirred, the first one to go into the pool is healed.

Jesus heard that there was a man setting at this pool for 38 years.  Just think, 38 years!  You think sometime in 38 years he would have been the first to go into the pool.  So Jesus asks this man, "Do you want to get well?"  What a funny question to ask this disabled man, but is it?  Jesus never asked the man: "Do you believe that I can heal you?" or "Do you believe in healing?" or "Get up and walk!"  Actually, Jesus does say the latter, but after he first asks him "Do you want to get well?"

Why did Jesus ask this man this question instead of just healing him.  Maybe Jesus understood humanity more than we do.  Here is a disabled man who has grown used to being disabled.  Let's consider what would have to happen if this man chose to be healed.  First of all, he would have to move.  No more setting by the pool.  Next, he would have to change friends.  Right now his friends are all disabled, but now he will make new friends who are not disabled.  Not saying he won't come back and help some of his friends, but his life will go into a different direction.   Lastly, he will not receive handouts anymore, he will have to find work to support himself.  He will have to be responsible once again.

Change is scary.  When you get used to your circumstances, healing may be far from what you want.  There was a period of time I was afraid of people.  I remember standing outside my 2nd year classroom door, at Northwest Bible College, asking God to help me like the people on the other side of the door.  I did not hate them, I just did not like being around them.  I had a fear of people.  It was not until I went back home to spend time with my parents that I was challenged to change.  A few from our church's youth group went down to a baseball diamond around 12 am.  It was dark and we had no baseball equipment.  We started to play invisible baseball.  It was fun.  But my fear of people showed its ugly head and a part of me wanted to run.  I remember thinking that my dad's car is just behind me in the parking lot.  Something inside me said to run, but I chose to stay.  And that was the beginning of choosing not being afraid of people.

I remember that night doing my devotions and while meditating on God's word, God showed me (not by voice but in my heart and understanding) that I was a person that had walls all the way around me and no one could get in.  But God was starting to make those walls into bridges and people was coming into my life.  I got scared and demanded that he rebuild the walls.  God said NO.  I asked God a question (that showed my fear of change), "what if I get to love people in my life more than you (God)?"  In my heart all God said was "Love Risks!"  This was the beginning of healing (change) for me.

Disabilities does not have to be physical only.  They can be walls we have placed around us through trauma times in our lives.  Such as, divorce - will not allow yourself to trust and love another person as you do not want to get hurt again.  Such as, abuse - you choose to stay single due to abusive marriage, or you choose a mate that is abusive because you do not believe you deserve better.

To be well means laying those walls down, this can be scary.  To be well means not using the past to hold you back, or keep you from loving again.  To be well means forgiving, this does not mean that you are saying what the person did to you was not wrong, it means you are choosing to get on with your life.

Do we want to get well?  It is scary not using the past as an excuse to not trust again, believe in good again or to love again.  It is scary to forgive the person who hurt us.  It is scary to throw away your defense mechanisms that protected you all these years, but they also kept you in prison (not talking about being careful).  So I ask you.....

“Do you want to get well?”

My New Apartment

Time can get away from us and when we notice it, it is a few years into the future.  That is how I feel about my blog.  When I started this blog, I was in school, but then I graduated, found work and forgot about this blog.

Well, I would like to try to add a post to this blog at least once a week or every two weeks.  That is my goal.

I am going to start off with my new apartment.  I think this is a grand way of starting up my blog again.  You see, when I was in school, I was living in a bachelor apartment.  My living room and bedroom was one room.  Never had anyone over as it was my bedroom.  Coming to this one bedroom has been such a freedom.  I have had my great niece over for a sleep over twice, my great nephew over once (hopefully again), and family & friends over for supper, games or just talking on the balcony.  I love it!

I have ideas and projects for my apartment.  They will not be done tomorrow, as I am going to enjoy the journey of making my apartment my home.  I do not want a house, too big for one person.  This apartment is just right for me!  With all this said, let me show you some of my apartment and balcony.

Dining Table

TV Set

Bedroom

My Balcony with lattice.  I trimmed down the lattice 2 sections.

My flowers

My flowers again

My swivel loveseat for balcony

Good Scenery is in the 'Eye Of The Beholder!'

While I was waiting for the bus, at the St. Lawrence College bus terminal, I was enjoying great scenery.    Yes, colleges are a sea of good-looking men and beautiful women, who I hope will find each other.  As I stood there waiting for my bus, a young man sat down on a bench near me.  Could not help but notice him.  He had beautiful wavy brown hair, side burns that could melt you, and a face that has not seen a razor for a day or two.  He was handsome!

Mine you, a friend of mine may think I'm crazy, because she may like a man with no side burns (silly girl), and clean-shaven.  She may like blonde-haired men, not dark-haired men (I must admit, I prefer dark-haired).

I guess handsome  or beautiful is in the eye of the beholder.  I remember an old classic movie (cannot remember the name) about an ugly girl and handsome man.  The woman had a birth defect on her face.  She hid away from people by helping her mom as a maid in this handsome man's house.   Then the man had a car accident which left him with an ugly scar on his face too. 

The man used to have parties until his accident.  However, his solitude gave him time to get to know the maid’s daughter.  They became friends, then one day they were astonished because neither one of them were ugly.  They really believed they were beautiful again.  The young man threw a party.  The maid's mother and his doctor warned him against it, but he chose not to listened.

The night of the party, his friends came and left in horror.  The girl and man did not understand their friend's reaction to them.  When they looked at each other, they were beautiful.  The maid's mother informed both of them they have fallen in love and love sees only beauty!

Yes, beauty (or good scenery) is in the eye of the beholder, so I do not care if my friend does not like side burns on a man - I do!

A True Fishing Story

Fishing with my family was an event I really enjoyed. Actually, it was a family affair. My mom, dad, and I would set out early in the morning (5 am) to go fishing. My mom did not like fishing; there was no way she would touch a worm or a fish to that matter. However, she enjoyed going with us. She would take her lawn chair and a good Romance book (Nurse Romance) and read while dad and I worked at catching the fish.


Now, catching a fish was an art. It started late the night before. My father and I would soak our back yard with water around 6 p.m. Then at 9 p.m. or when it got dark, we would take our flash lights out to the back yard and catch ourselves some worms. Now this was a delicate job and only experienced worm catchers would understand. You do not put the light on the ground completely, only enough so that you can see a worm lying between the blades of grass. You then slowly approach it and in a split second put your shoe on part of it. Now you do not want to step on it too hard that you squash it. You only want to barely touch it, but enough that it does not get away. Then you take your fingers, swoop down, and get a hold of the worm,  Then you take your shoe off the worm and pull it out of the ground. You see worms only come out part way just in case they have to retreat fast. You have to be faster than them. When you catch the worm, you put it into a can full of sand. My father would put a lid (lid with air holes) on the can and put it in the fridge until we went fishing. I must admit, I loved hunting for those worms, those sticky wobbly worms.


We would drive until we found a great place for fishing.  Usually where there were rocks or docks, so that we can sit somewhere. Dad and I took lawn chairs, but if there were rocks, we would either sit or stand on them.


I remember this one morning my father and I was standing on some rocks fishing. My dad and I would put our own worms, weights, and floats on our fishing poles. Then we would cast our line out into the water awaiting our first prey. My dad's first prey was loosing his line. There went his weight, float, hook, and of course the main menu 'worm da menu'. I am sure the fish enjoyed it!  My turn now, so I cast my line into the water and held the line. I enjoyed feeling the fish nipping at my line. Just the right nip and I would yank the line and far la, a caught fish. Well, no fish for me only a lost line.   I too lost a weight, float, hook, and a fish enjoyed the worm I am sure. My dad now cast a second time into the water and what do you know, he looses his line again. Well I was ready for my second cast, so I swung my rod behind me and then cast it out in front of me. I did not loose my line this time, but my head caught something. When the weight hit the back of my head, I sure felt it. Ouch!!!! Now it was my fathers turn again. Guess what (no he did not loose his line, but something more wet), he fell into the water!.  He slipped on the rocks.


That was it. We decided it was time to quit. Therefore, we packed up all our stuff and went home, that is after dad got out of the water.  Did we go fishing ever again?  Why yes!  Those who love fishing would not allow these events to stop one from fishing.  Did we enjoy ourselves despite how the day went?  Oh yes, there is nothing like getting up in the morning, smelling the water and fish in the air, hearing the sound of a calm lake, and feeling a fish nibbling at your line. Catching some fish would have helped, but yes, we did enjoy ourselves. Yes, I would say, our family loves fishing.  I wish they were still alive so that we could go fishing again! 

How do we measure people's love?

A friend of mine once said to me while we were having coffee together,


"Penny, if my husband is not able to love me the way I need to be loved, does that mean he does not love me?"


Excellent question?  We all come from different backgrounds.  We all learn to express love differently.   For some it is expressing love freely, while for others they are more conservative in expressing love.  My Friend further said to me,

“And if he cannot love me the way I feel I need to be loved, does that mean I do not love him back?”

I believe that my friend was trying to tell me that just because someone cannot love you the way you think being loved is all about, does not mean that he/she does not love you.

Faith and trust is the foundation for any relationship (whether it is father/daughter, father/son, mother/daughter, mother/son, marriage, or friendship) to succeed.

Does this mean that if someone abuses me physically or mentally he/she loves me?  No, as abuse is NOT love!  Abuse or possessiveness are not examples of love and please do not entertain either as love.

There are many quotes out there that explains what love is, but I have never found one that says it better than I Corinthians 13, known as the ‘Love Chapter’.

“Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (Verses 4-7, NIV).

In summary, let us not define a person’s love for us by our need in how we want others to love us.  But, on the other hand, let us learn how our family, friend, partner needs to be loved, so we can grow in expressing love.